yourcritics

The internet didn’t ask for your game reviews.
But we did.

Why scream into a pillow when you can scream into your own review page? Angry, in love, confused, obsessed or however the game left you, write it.
Write a haiku. Write a 12-page thesis. Nobody’s stopping you. Unfortunately.

Let’s pretend I’m a critic

You still think Undertale is the deepest thing ever written and you need everyone to know.
Please. They need to know.

Become a Game Critic Without Any Qualifications

Difficulty: Easy · Emotional Consequences: High
01

Discover the Sacred Website

Find the site in the deep, echoing forest of links. Or just click the link your friend sent with “pls read this.”
+1 Curiosity +1 Overthinking -15 Minutes of Productivity
02

Create Your Profile

Choose your username. Begin your transformation into an Opinion Mage.
+1 Identity Crisis Access to The Dashboard of Destiny™
03

Write Something

Post a review. Could be a 2-line rant. Could be a 5,000-word thesis about why the jump feels “floaty.” Could even be a dramatic link to something you wrote elsewhere.
+10 Emotional Clarity +3 Comment Bait
04

Share It With the World
(Or Don’t)

Copy your page link. Send it to a friend, your ex, or your cat. Someone will read it.
+1 Link in Bio Energy +∞ Existential Risk
05

Repeat Until Personality Forms

Keep writing until you become That Person™ who says “as I wrote in my review” during conversations.
+∞ XP, Unlocked Title: “Unpaid Critic of Everything”

What the NPCs Say About Us

Robot Avatar

“I reviewed Hollow Knight and ended up describing my breakup. It just… fit, okay?”

@BuggedOut

Robot Avatar

“Finally a place where I can say Crash Bandicoot ruined my childhood and get applauded for it.”

@JungleTrauma

Robot Avatar

“I log in once a week to remind everyone that Portal 2 is still better than most modern games. Call it a public service.”

@CakeWasReal

Robot Avatar

“Rated The Sims 10/10 after trapping a family in a room with no toilet. I am both the problem and the solution.”

@GodModeActivated

Robot Avatar

“Thanks to this platform, I realized Metal Gear Solid 2 is actually a postmodern critique of narrative control. Or maybe it’s not.”

@PostPostPostModern

Robot Avatar

“Started reviewing cozy games. Now I cry when I see pixelated soup.”

@SoftcoreGamer

Robot Avatar

“I signed up because my friends got tired of hearing me talk about boss fights. Now I just send them my profile.”

@AggroSocial

Robot Avatar

“This site lets me pretend I’m a professional critic while wearing pajama pants and yelling about map design.”

@PajamaReviewer

Robot Avatar

“I love that nobody here pretends to be objective. We’re all just emotionally unstable nerds and it’s beautiful.”

@BiasedAndProud

Robot Avatar

“I love that I can switch between giving 10/10 to a farming sim and 2/10 to my own ability to play it.”

@EmotionallyInconsistent

...Don’t let the NPCs have all the fun.
Join them.

Create your profile
9

Bloodborne

PlayStation 4

Walked into a clinic, woke up in Victorian hell. Got punched by a werewolf, adopted by a moon god. Great game, still don’t know what insight does

7

Broforce

PC

EXPLODED A HELICOPTER WITH A KNIFE. PUNCHED FREEDOM INTO A WALL. ACCIDENTALLY LIBERATED A COUNTRY. TOO MUCH BRO, NOT ENOUGH FORCE (JUST KIDDING, THERE’S SO MUCH FORCE).

8

The Secret of Monkey Island

PC

Started the game wanting to be a mighty pirate. Ended up sword-fighting with insults, arguing with ghosts, getting roasted by a talking skull, and using a rubber chicken as legitimate transportation. At no point did I feel in control — and yet, I’ve never felt more alive.
The puzzles are insane, the logic is illegal, and the humor is dangerously effective.
Would die for Guybrush. Already did. Twice.

10
6
8
5
2

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Equip: Keyboard of Judgment +3